I really loved this simple book, Hector and the Search for Happiness, so I thought you might enjoy hearing my favorite parts in a quick review. Here are Hector's 22 lessons on happiness.
How to Be Apart From Someone You Love
Sometimes my wife Tunga and I are apart for week or even months, especially when she travels home to see friends and family in Mongolia. When she's gone I know she’s having a wonderful time, but I love her and it’s hard to be apart from people you love.
Reflecting on why it’s hard, I’ve come to think there are two big reasons: we miss being with people we love and it can be lonely being alone.
Luckily, these are both very normal feelings and there are a lot of healthy things we can do to address both concerns. Also, as luck would have it, I’ve been surrounded by people with great suggestions that I would like to share with you here.
Here are six ideas that might help being apart from someone you love.
1. Write to Them
This seems simple but I forgot about it until Evan, a good friend and mentor, reminded me. Write to the person right now, before you are even apart. If you send the letter ahead of time it will arrive shortly after they arrive, or perhaps they will find it after you leave if you are the one going somewhere.
When Tunga and I first started dating while I was in Mongolia with the Peace Corps I went back to the U.S. for over a month to be part of my sister’s wedding. I wrote Tunga a letter for every day I was going to be gone, 45 in total, and even had a scavenger hunt, little candy and hand-drawn maps thrown in there. I gave them to her in a big bag with a number on each letter. It took a few hours to do, but she loved it and it was worth every minute.
2.Breathe
The day Tunga left was emotional which, as my best friend Jonathan reminded me, is a really good thing. If I wasn’t emotional something would be amiss. That same day I was greeted by an email from Leo at ZenHabits who wrote about how to be alone. It’s a wonderful post and in it he basically says being alone is a great time to sit back and reflect. Think about your emotions, where you are feeing them, allow yourself to really feel them.
I don’t know about you, but when I am about to cry or I feel like a wave of emotion is coming up through my chest I usually push it down. I hold it back. I sniff, I snort, I open my eyes wider and try to pretend the sun is too bright. This always works wonderfully of course and never backfires, gives me headaches, makes the tears gush even more later, makes me look and sound ridiculous or any of that.
Our emotions are a window into a deeper part of us and an opportunity, not an enemy.
3. Talk to Someone
Friends are a true gift. They understand us, are there to listen to us ramble about whatever, and they are especially helpful at emotional times when we think we might be over-reacting or we feel crazy.
We aren’t crazy. What we are feeling and thinking is normal and something our friends will help us understand and appreciate. When I talk to people I love they not only help me make sense of what is happening, they also help me talk through a way forward.
After taking some time to reflect, breathe and meditate, talking to a friend who makes you feel great can be a perfect thing to do.
4. Think of the Positives
One of my favorite sayings of all-time comes from my dad: what a great opportunity. No matter how good or bad something may seem, there is always a great opportunity in there somewhere. Maybe this is one of the only times in your life you will be free to travel alone again without responsibilities, or perhaps this could be when you finally master that hobby or put the time into that personal goal you’ve had for so long. Being alone can be a blessing if you choose to look at it this way.
If it’s hard for you to see why it is positive, find someone positive you trust and ask them this question: why is this a great opportunity for me? You might be surprised at what you hear.
5. Share Something Small
Writing letters is great, but small acts of connection are wonderful too. Sending photos, emails, texts and making a phone call or Skype call go a long way in letting the other person know how much you love them. Look at old pictures and send them a photo of you together. Share a photo of where you are or something fun that happened today.
Better yet, my friend Jonathan created a shared dropbox folder for he and his wife which allowed them to easily share photos and videos with each other. It’s convenient and also casual. They uploaded things almost every day, at random times of the day, and he says he loved it so much he checked it every morning just to see what she was up to. It’s a sweet and easy way to stay connected together without feeling like you are constantly pinging the other person every hour of the day.
6. Plan Something Fun
Planning can be a lot of fun. This can include making fun plans for you or the person returning with things like a countdown, chocolate, flowers, champagne, renting a place somewhere or a bunch of balloons from the dollar store. It can also include planning a fun trip for yourself with family or friends while someone is away. Personally I try for all of the above. Adventures for everyone!
I hope these ideas are helpful and make being apart from someone you love even just a little bit easier.
Where Will You Be at 90?
Take a moment with me and imagine your vision for your ideal life.
What year will it be when you turn 90? Insert that year below.
The Exercise
The year is 20_, and on a warm Spring evening you lie down in bed to sleep out one more night of your long and eventful life.
You are 90 years old today.
On this one evening, your mind drifts into a journey across the decades of your life…the 2010’s, 2020’s and beyond...time has flown by faster than you could ever have imagined, but you have reason to be proud and contented with how you lived out each day and each year and each decade, to end up where you are now, in the Spring of 20_. There have been challenges and there have been triumphs, and you weren’t always able to stay tightly directed in your affairs, but you realize now that the broad course of your life, your strivings and your pursuits, have stayed true to your purpose. As sleep slowly envelops your consciousness, you cannot help but smile with satisfaction and gratitude for a life well lived.
Put yourself in that moment… in the twilight years of your life… and write down what you think would be the kind of life you must have led to allow you to conclude that it was, in fact, a life well lived. Try to be as concrete and specific as you can about the kinds of things that would have needed to happen to make it this ideal life for you, as you look back at life on the day you have turned 90 years of age.
I will share my answer next week!
How to Be Happier at Work
I've taught my third class in the en*theos Academy!
This one is called How to Be Happier at Work and it pulls together 10 strategies based on the years of research I've done and dozens of interactions and interviews I have had with some of the best companies in the world. It's basically a summary of my master’s thesis Leading Happiness.
10 Big Ideas
Here are the 10 Big Ideas I cover in the class:
- Wake Up Early
- Meditate
- Make Exercise Part of Your Day
- Don’t Check Email in the Morning
- Start with Your Most Important Task
- Start with Gratitude
- Tame the Email Monster
- Work Standing Up
- Work Toward Your Ideal Day
- Have a Digital Sunset
Tell Me What You Think
I hope you love it and I'd really enjoy hearing what you think about it in the comments here and at the bottom of the class!
Thanks everyone!
